Secrets to Cultivating Healthy Relationships

Another key principle to building healthy relationships is communication.

Effective communication and conflict resolution

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Communication can either break or make a relationship. Open communication can encourage conflict resolution and make it easier to maintain healthy relationships. It can help you communicate your feelings and needs effectively to enable the other person to understand you better.

A licensed clinical worker, Darcy Sterling, says that effective communication indicates the health of a relationship. “The extent to which each partner is skilled at expressing themselves, their needs and their preferences is the greatest indicator of the health and fulfillment of the relationship.”¹⁰

Here are some communication skills which we can utilise for good communication.

• Listen actively and attentively
• Ask questions, preferably open-ended ones
• Keep a calm tonal voice
• Speak clearly and calmly
• Validate the other person’s feelings
• Seek understanding if something is not clear
• Avoid unnecessary interruption when the other person is speaking
• Don’t jump to conclusions
• Use “I” statements (“I feel like…”) instead of accusatory “you” statements, so the other person doesn’t feel attacked, condemned, or judged
• Be mindful of your body language because it can contradict what you are saying

But communication is not just about expressing ourselves. It is foundational in conflict resolution as well.

Conflicts in a relationship can emerge at any time. Every relationship can have its ups and downs even when those involved have the best intentions. And we need to be prepared to meet and resolve them to maintain harmony and protect our relationships.

So in addition to the above communication skills, the following are some conflict resolution skills to equip ourselves with.

• Be willing to address the conflict
• Understand the conflict
• Avoid threats and provocation
• Clarify the issues causing the tension
• Deliberate on possible solutions
• Be aware of biased fairness perceptions where “both parties to a conflict typically think they’re right (and the other side is wrong) because they quite literally can’t get out of their own heads.”¹¹

Some relationship problems can be solved by consulting counselors. Going to religious leaders and therapists are not just options in worst-case scenarios but are available whenever we want or feel the need for their services.

Also, research has shown that prayer can help in “conflict resolution by lessening emotional reactivity and feelings of contempt, hostility, and enmity.”¹² So, you can find comfort and peace from Christ by taking your burden to him through prayer because He cares for you (Matthew 11:28; 1 Peter 5:7).

In addition to effective communication, find time for face-to-face connection.

Regular face-to-face time

Life is busy and sometimes it seems like there isn’t enough time in a day to accomplish everything we want to achieve. But however busy our schedules may be, we need to create a regular time to be together with those we are in a relationship with. This is because it is easy for relationships to fade away when there is no face-to-face interaction.

So to prevent that from happening to your relationship, find something that will bring you and the other person together. Try something new or do something that both of you like so that you always have an excuse to meet face-to-face.

And what if we feel our relationships are strained and we aren’t in the mood to meet the other person face to face because we think they aren’t putting in the same effort we are?

In such a situation, we can learn to give people grace, empathise with them, and try to understand their situation.

That brings us to discussing how thinking positively about others, can also encourage healthy relationships.

Think about the good in the other person

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All of us have shortcomings, but focusing on the good in others can help build healthy relationships despite our flaws. We all make mistakes and aren’t perfect. And it is very easy for us to just focus on the negative, that is, on “the things that worry or annoy us or make us critical” rather than the positive.¹³

A relationship where we focus on the bad can lead to negativity and anxiety. It can make us feel less supported and less safe. But being able to focus on the positive qualities, is a “very powerful way to feel happier and more confident, and become more loving and more productive in the world.”¹⁴

But this is not to say that we ignore the obvious red flags of an abusive relationship. Abuse, whether physical, emotional, or any kind of treatment that seeks to devalue you and your opinions, is not founded on the principles of trust, love and respect. Because true love is selfless and anyone who loves will not aim to hurt or take advantage of their loved ones.

But when it comes to seeing the good in others, we are talking about focusing on the good qualities and abilities one has despite their shortcomings.

So how can we learn to focus on the good in others and let go of feeling like we need to criticise or correct those around us? Sometimes it can be hard not to want to offer suggestions that we feel could help make other people better. But this is rarely as effective as we want it to be.

So here is what doctor Rick Hanson, a neuropsychologist, suggests:

• Slow down and take time to think about the good things the person does
• Seek to see the good intentions in the other person and what makes them happy
• See the abilities in people and acknowledge them openly
• See the virtues in others, “such as determination, generosity, kindness, patience, energy, grit, honesty, fairness, or compassion”¹⁵

Thinking positively about others is a good skill to develop for a strong relationship.

Now let’s dig deeper into the secrets for cultivating healthy relationships by exploring the principles the Bible has to offer.

Biblical principles for healthy relationships

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Healthy relationships were, and still are, God’s idea. And the Bible is full of stories of relationships between human beings and with their Creator.

The first concept of human connections is found in the story of creation. God created the first relationship in Genesis 1:26, 27. But when giving more information on how He actually created the first human beings, God adds a very enlightening concept of human relationships.

Let’s first think about this for a moment. When God said “It is not good that man should be alone,”  technically, he wasn’t alone Genesis 2:18, NKJV. God was there. The angels from heaven could have kept company with Adam whenever he needed. And the animals were also present in plenty.

But none of these could take the place of human-to-human connection. Adam had no peers at that point. The presence of animals, which he was to take care of, could not be substituted for a relationship with a fellow human being.

God knew that for Adam to live a happy and fulfilling life—and to understand how to love—he needed a relationship with another human being. Therefore, as a loving Father who cared about Adam’s welfare, God decided to make for him “a helper comparable to him” (Genesis 2:18, NKJV). That is, “one who was fitted to be his companion, and who could be one with him in love and sympathy.”¹⁶

In creating Eve for Adam, God initiated the first human-to-human relationship. He made it known to us that we are social beings.

One commentator summarises this concept beautifully.

“Man was not made to dwell in solitude; he was to be a social being. Without companionship, the beautiful scenes and delightful employment of Eden would have failed to yield perfect happiness. Even communion with angels could not have satisfied his desire for sympathy and companionship. There was none of the same nature to love and to be loved.”¹⁷

Now, since God is the originator of relationships, we have a chance to experience a healthy relationship by following His ideas.

Following the Bible’s example of love

The Bible defines what love looks like by giving these examples:

• It tells us that unconditional and sacrificial love and respect are the foundation of all relationships (1 John 4:11; Mark 12:31; Ephesians 5:21-33)
• This heaven-born love is not self-seeking but is patient and kind, does not envy or boast, and is not arrogant or rude. It is not irritable or resentful, does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
• It talks of marriage as an everlasting covenant that shouldn’t be broken except in the case of infidelity (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 5:32)
• It mentions forgiveness and reconciliation as a key aspect of healthy relationships (Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13; Matthew 18:15-17)
• The Bible also alludes to imitating Christ’s humility as a key principle in maintaining healthy relationships (Philippians 2)
• It shows that tenderness in communication can help in conflict resolution (Proverbs 15:1)
• Integrity, honesty and unity are also key biblical principles to a healthy relationship (Proverbs 25:9, 10; Proverbs 12:22; Psalms 133:1)

And on friendship, the Bible encourages love at all times, sticking together and building each other up (Proverbs 17:17; 18:24; 27:17)

It also tells us that faith can bring hope and healing.

Making faith in God part of your relationship

God is very interested in our relationships. The Bible reveals to us how He has been instrumental in bringing people together into a relationship and keeps them together.

An example where God brought people together into a relationship is the case of Adam and Eve, which we mentioned earlier. Another striking illustration is the marriage of Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 24) where God answered the prayer of faith that Eleazer (Abraham’s servant) made.

Eleazer was given the difficult task of finding a wife for Isaac (Abraham’s son). Recognizing the challenge before him, his faith in God led him to pray for God’s leading. And God directed his journey until he met Rebekah at the well.

So, can faith in God impact our relationships?

While we may not all be trying to find spouses the same way Eleazer was for Isaac, we can pray for God’s guidance to help us make good choices.

• Faith has been found to improve the quality, health and happiness¹⁸ of relationships. Research shows that “almost 1 in 3 frequent religious service attenders say they are ‘very happy,’ while among non-attenders it is about 1 in 5.”¹⁹
• It offers hope and healing as we trust in a power outside us to help solve the challenges beyond our scope.
• Religion or faith in God can also be “associated with other positive emotions that are precursors to happiness such as optimism, hope, gratitude and self-esteem.”²⁰

And, regularly practising the biblical principle to love everyone, including our enemies (Matthew 5:44) and thinking warmly about others is believed to increase “people’s feelings of social connection and empathy with the consequent benefits for their mental health. Importantly, it also changes people’s real-life actions towards others,” by encouraging more prosocial behaviour.²¹

So, bringing faith into our relationships can help us cultivate and improve them.

Now, let’s consider how cultural influences can affect relationships.

Cultural influences and relationship dynamics

Culture can influence how people relate to each other in different relationships.

For example:

• It impacts our values: Cultural norms and values establish guidelines for behaviour in different relationships. Communal cultures like Africa and Asia think collectively, while Western cultures are more individualistic.²²
• Impacts how we communicate: Different cultures, even if they share a common languages, often have different connotations for some words, or use colloquialisms that are unique to them. For example, in one culture, a word can be polite and respectful, while in other cultures, it can be disrespectful or have a completely different connotation.
• Impacts how we express ourselves by influencing communication skills. For instance, in some cultures keeping eye contact is perceived to show honesty, while in some African cultures, it is a show of disrespect, especially if it is between the young and the elderly.

That brings us to exploring how relationship values have changed over time.

Traditional vs. modern values in relationships

Traditional and modern relationships differ in the roles played by the individuals involved. In the traditional concept of relationship, it was the man’s duty to pursue women. Once married, the wife was to take care of the home duties while the man was the sole provider and protector of the family.

While there were many ways that worked well for a long time, things are different today. We’ve learned more about the dynamics of relationships, but new challenges keep presenting themselves, as well.

It’s not always clear who is pursuing whom, so we have to communicate very thoroughly. And when some couples are married, both often seek to work to provide for the family. However, modern relationships emphasize personal goals and individual achievement for both men and women which can lead to challenges preventing spouses from working as a team which can lead to spouses feeling undervalued or unsupported. We need to think about how to work as a team even in our changing cultural environments.

When it comes to friendship, things have also changed. It used to be that friends would connect through letter writing or face-to-face interaction. Friendship also used to be highly valued and lasting. Today, technology has made it easy to have real-time video connections and the world has become accessible through the internet.

However, the challenge is that friendships in today’s age are a little more shallow, fragile, and less abiding. And the majority of relationships are based on fun and excitement rather than on love or commitment and loyalty.

Also, in traditional African settings, parents used to spend more time with their children working on the farms, fishing, or tending their livestock together. Children learned from their parents’ examples and had more time to know their cultural practices. But that has also greatly changed as many parents have full-time jobs which take them away from their homes for most of the day. Children are also in school instead of learning the family trade early on. Parents have had to adapt to having less time to know what’s happening in their children’s lives and influence them.

However, in some African cultures, much of that traditional aspect remains alive in the roles family has in our relationships.

The role of family and community in relationships

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Family and community can be critical for healthy relationships. Our first concept of relationship is formed in the family circle, and then the community around us. Each family has its cultural norms or values which shape how we conduct relationships.

These norms and values learned from our families can shape how we relate with our friends. For example, in some communities, it is common to hug friends while in others, you only do handshakes.

But when we understand these values, we can respect our friends’ viewpoints and avoid conflicts.

Also, in some African communities, families have a say in the relationships we form.

But, there should be a balance so that one can make their choice based on their religious conviction.

So, as much as possible, our families need to be involved in our relationships because their support and guidance can be meaningful. But they are not to have complete control over every affair.

Another thing that has impacted relationships, like we mentioned about friendships today, is technology.

The impact of technology on relationships

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Technology has changed how we interact in relationships by transforming the platforms used. Traditional relationships involve personal connections through face-to-face interactions while modern relationships have migrated to a virtual online connection.

The digital age: opportunities and challenges

Some of the advantages of the digital age relationships consist of:

• Convenience, as we can connect from the comfort of our homes
• Instant communication, which allows individuals to know each other before meeting in person
• Increased options and a larger pool of potential

Digital relationships also have their challenges:

• Being overwhelmed with too many choices
• Difficulty in gauging a person’s personality, integrity, and intentions
• Exhaustion due to continuous focus on devices
• Misleading information as individuals appear to be what they are not

So how can we use technology to cultivate healthy relationships?

How to leverage technology in relationships while avoiding pitfalls

To have a meaningful relationship in this digital age, combine modern and traditional methods.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

• Take time to understand the social dynamics that accompany different methods of communication, or different social media platforms
• Engage in meaningful conversations to know the person by asking open-ended questions
• Don’t reveal too much sensitive, personal information too quickly
• If you want to meet someone face to face that you’ve only met online, plan to meet at a safe public place.
• Let your family or close friends know when and where you decide to meet this person, so they can check on you if needed.

With these skills at your fingertips, you can be off to a good start in cultivating healthy relationships.

Beginning your journey

Building or maintaining healthy romantic, work, family or friendship relationships begins with embracing trust, love and respect. By being honest with each other and applying the principles of open communication, you can lay the foundation for a healthy, happy, satisfying relationship.

Strive to see good in others, regularly have face-to-face communication and set healthy boundaries to help your relationships grow. And above all, God is the ultimate example in relationships. Inviting Him into our relationships can help us to be more like Him and thus learn to better love others and make our relationship thrive.

So try these principles and see how your relationships can heal and grow!